True Love Destroyed by this Culture
Dear Brothers and Sisters, PLEASE read, learn and do not let what happened to these people happen to you.
REMEMBER we are here for you.
LOVE DESTROYED FOREVER BY OUR PARENTS
We were
FORCED to let go, but I think about her EVERY
SINGLE day.
I think this story is proof that its not only pakistan
that is the issue, but backward parents in this country apply the same backward rules for their kids in uk-uk marriages also. Keep up
the good work, your doing brilliant.......
I'm going to take you away back to 1993,
and little did I know then, that my life would never be the same again. This case relates to my second cousin, and her mothers
refusal to allow both of us to get married together, despite doing EVERYTHING through our families.
I was 20 at
the time, I was happy go lucky, hard working, a good earner and I loved my cars. I had a great group of friends, but in reality,
they were more like family. They were into the usual boys mischievous ways, clubbing, the weed, occasional drinking, but I
never had much interest in any of those things, preferring my keep fit routines, my car hobbies and my keen interest in obtaining
my private pilots licence. My own mother passed away when I was only 8, and I was raised by my khala who RIP, I loved
dearly. My father married again, but I was always looked after by my khala.
When I was a child, I remember vividly,
going to my cousins house for weekends away, I'm in Yorkshire and she was from Birmingham. I always remembered those early
memories of her fondly. Even then, my cuz, who I'll call (s) was the most polite, most generous, most beautiful person
I'd ever met. She had the sweetest personality ever !
Then... As young kids start to grow up, we inevitably
“split“ and started to live in our own worlds, and from that young age of around ten, I neither heard, nor sought
after her again.
In 1993, around march, I remember taking a phone call from a women who sounded real cool, well
spoken and polite. she told me her name, where she was from, and that she would be arriving at our local train station later
that evening, could you pick me up ?, intrigued, I agreed readily and told my elders about this person. The lady who rung
was my cuzs eldest sister !
After she left, from her few days up in Yorkshire, I suddenly remembered about (s),
and really, a lot of thoughts raced through my mind. On one hand I'm thinking, I bet she's hot now, on the other,
rather rudely, I'm thinking, will she be tied up or spoken for, even dating. Regardless, I made it my priority to look
her up as soon as practically possible.
Some few months later, my aunt and her daughters went on holiday to Birmingham
to stay with (s) and her family. I suppose you could call it an opening of families/relatives, coming and going, which is
always a good thing. I did tell my cousin before she left to say hello to (s), and that I'd been thinking about her a
lot in recent months. On their return, my cousin told me, that she passed on my message, and (s) was thrilled to bits with
it, but more importantly, gave me a business card from (s),s work, requesting me to call her at the weekend.
I
might sound stupid for saying this, but, that was the first time I felt an immensely strong feeling coming over
me for her. Don't know why, but that was when I opened my heart to let her in, rather instinctively !!!
On
calling her, we exchanged pleasantries, and she said she didn't think I'd call her lol. I replied that I wouldn't
have missed it for the world. She informed me that she's off to pakland the following monday, but not to get married lol
but a holiday with her mother. After a few more minutes, she said she had to go, and before she left, she said,“I'll
be thinking about you“. God I was smitten. Her voice was so soothing and beautiful, I fell in love right then and there
haha. It was BEAUTIFUL. Moving on through 1994, we started to call on a fairly
regular basis. The modus operandi was I'd call , leave a message, she would return call. By then, I'd summoned the
courage to tell (s) that I truly loved her, I told her she is the happiest most gorgeous thing to ever happen to me. I said
to her, where have u been, where have u been hiding, why didn't I find u before lol. She was a tad shy lol, so when I
told her I loved her she would say “I respect u too“ lol. But she said she never wanted me to get hurt and not
to get too smitten, or words to that effect.
That was my first inkling, that not all was well. But why would an
innocent twenty year old stop there... ?
THIS is where happy times turned bad, and destroyed my dreams and
aspirations forever.
On one of our regular calls, as soon as I answered the phone, she was crying. I asked
her what's the matter, and she tells me that she's upset with ME, bcos the last time we spoke, I sounded like a male
cousin of hers, who is a (her words) bastard, creep, and makes her uncomfy under her own roof, whenever he comes to her house
for a visit. She told me who it was, and she also, for the first time ever, told me that there also asking for her rishta.
I was shocked, but I apologised for sounding like the creep, and told her I wasn't aware she hated this guy as much as
that.
She accepted my apology and said something I'll never forget in my life.
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU
till the day I die, whatever happens in my life ....
Man, I was emotional bigtime. To hear that, from someone u truly
love, can only b understood by those who have TRULY loved. Immediately that day, i rung my aunty, who i found was quite
easy to talk to, and told her that i and my cuz had gotten really close, and that i wanted to get my parents round
to
her place and ask her parents for her `rishta`. A few months later we did just that, and all seemed well. Then. her parents
kept leading us on, to be quite specific, they led us on for almost two years.
Every time my parents enquired about their
decision, there answer was, dont worry, shes your daughter, `ghar ki baat hei` we just need bit of time blah blah blah.
All this time while im chatting to her, shes being a little evasive herself, telling me that she doesnt want me hurt,
that she cant understand her mothers actions / delays, and for goodmeasure tells me her `first cuz` and his parents are fast
track on the case too, as somewhere along the line, they had also proposed.As if i needed the hassles lol. By this time, i
truly felt i could never live
without her, thats how much i fell in love with her, but i still wasnt too sure about how
she truly felt, as she was never as open as i was.About short time later, we attended a funeral over at her town, and since we arrived in Birmingham late at
night, we stayed over her house. I never seen her that night since she was asleep but i got my eyes worth the next day.
She told me her parents have decided to accept our proposals and i was way over the moon with the news. Visit over,
we returned to Yorkshire, and a day or two later my aunty calls my mobile and tells me her mother had DECLINED our rishta. I
remember that day real well. I was out with some friends heading to the pictures, all happy and high as a kite, thinking ive
finally got the girls of my dreams, and when i heard they have declined our proposal, my legs just turned to jelly and i burst
our crying infront of my mates, thats how hurt i was. My mates were as shocked as me, one offering a rather violent way to
sort out my problems. I felt like a zombie. Everything i ever worked to and for, all my dreams, all my aspirations, were obliterated
in a blink of an eye. It was a week before i had the chance to talk with her again, and told her exactly
what i was going through.
She told me she was scared to do anything out of the ordinary as her mother was
keeping tabs on her. Some weeks later, i think the pain got a bit too much for her aswell, and she proceeded to call my step
mother by phone. On that call, she pleaded with my step mother to ring her parents and ask them to reconsider their decision.
She told my step mother that she really cares about me and that no one in her family cared about her plight,or would even
listen to her. I also called her sisters about our thing, and got a very cold frosty reception. So much for relatives eh ? She also
called my father a few weeks after the call to my mother, pleading for him to intervene in our plight. I was in so much trauma
i didnt know what was going on. My life felt so so empty. When u love someone so deep, u really truly cannot imagine living
without them for one minute. It was also a sign of the times , that she found it much easier talking to MY parents as opposed
to her own family. Thats the kind of bullshit relationships children have with their parents nowadays. Inevitably,
the whole romance between us got out, and before u know it, her mother turns up at our house, all quiet and not wanting to
the let the `rishtadaar` know what happened. Like protecting some sort of pathetic izzat her khandan may have had. ( not in
my eyes ).She came across as
arrogant, angry and demeaning to me, until my mother stepped in and told her what her daughter had said on the phone just
a few weeks earlier. My mother proceeded to tell her, that her daughter was literally begging her to `go again`to ask for
her rishta, and that she said she cant live without me, that her family is insensitive, wont listen, and so on. My mother
told her mum that she advised (s) to talk to her sisters if she finds it difficult to chat about matters to her own mother,
and the reply was they dont care.
Then, my dad kicks in and tells her mum about their hour long chat. In
that phone call, (s) was crying her eyes out, telling my father she really loves me and we both want to spend our lives with
each other and so on. After hearing the `evidence`, i think its fair to say her mother got what she came for, a slap in the
face !!!! Despite the home truths, my parents , with me sitting there, barely containing my hurt, started to explain
to r`s mother, that they were aware of our phonecalls over the years, that we were talking and we were both in love with each
other. They went on to explain, that they never intervened or reprimanded either of us, because they were of the thought that
their rishta would have been accepted, there was no reason to believe otherwise, and in that two year plus ``wait` we had,
r`s mother was offered countless opportunities to back off from it without any pressures at all, yet she still kept leading
us all on.,Her face was absolutely tripping her, before she
gave her parting speech like the bitch that she reallly was. She went on to explain ( rather pathetically ) that her refusal to allow the
rishta was not personal, that she had her own ideas about where her kids should get married. She explained that the proposal
she had accepted ( the creep from london ) was because they had asked for r`s hand many years before we did ( oblivious
to her daughters happiness ) and that she was obliged to accept and she infact had done so. I felt like ramming my fist right
through her face if im perfectly honest.
What mother, despite all thats happened, STILL refuses
to take on board the serious hurt to us kids, for her own so called happiness and respect !!!!!!! After her mother left
Yorkshire, i tried to ring (s) again, and this time she told me not to ring back, that shes finished with me and didnt want
to know me or talk with me ever again. I cried so hard and for so many months after, and if im perfectly honest with u now,
i still do from time to time. Its been nearly fifteen years since these events took place. We are both now married, sadly not
to each other though. I met r again some 3 years ago at a family wedding in england. She has 2 kids now, same as me.. Coincidentally,
my sister in law has the same name as (s), and u wont believe this. MY DAUGHTERS BIRTHDAY IS THE SAME AS HERS lol. After the
wedding, we all stayed overnight at my phupos house. This might not be right, but were human, and we sat and looked at each
other all night long. Her creep of a husband was their, and in a way, it was funny watching her play `happy families` with
the man she despised so much all these years. Women can be fantastic at hiding their true feelings, i have to say. We got
a quick chat the next day when everyone elses attentions were turned for a brief moment. She said to me ,``` the only thing
thats kept me going all these years is you in my mind```she went on to say that she reads her prayers five times a day, and
remembers all her dearest in her duas. I felt choked up, i felt truly hurt. I had tears in my eyes, and if there was one thing
i noticed about her, it was those sad eyes, and the same issues that i had. Broken dreams and broken aspirations. S - may
allah keep you happy and alleviate your pain and suffering. YOU
WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN.
WHERE AM I AND WHERE IS SHE NOW?
' S' got married here in England, to the same `creep` she totally despised.
They are from London where she now resides. Ofcourse, at family gatherings etc, she likes to play happy families,( the odd
one in 16 years i have seen her at ) but i know better. He is the most insecure person you can ever meet. Hes obsessive,
jealous and he used his parents to aquire the rishta, since they are first cousins etc to her family. I got married in pakistan.
I went to clear my head because i was probably going to do something very bad, after all the hassles i had been through. In
the end, my parents told me to get married while i was there., Love didn’t come into it, but i had to live my life. Brother,
its been nearly 16 odd years that I’ve broken with S, and i think about her EVERY SINGLE DAY of my life. I told her
this when I met her briefly at this wedding we attended. I know by Allah, we were wronged. I hope that Allah can forgive me
for any wrong doings I have done in my life, but i know even Allah is aware of my true deep love for her.
When its her birthday, i buy a small cake, go to the hills here in Yorkshire,
and have an imaginary celebration with her. I have dreams about her at night. One day, i had a dream that id met her on a
train somewhere. We both got really upset. She apologised about the mess we got ourselves in and said she didnt mean to do
all these things. Then i woke up, IT WAS SO UPSETTING, to realise that it wasn’t real. She sent me this text message,
some 3 years ago, after we left the wedding we were attending. I have to add that we got caught sending these messages to
each other, but i tried to explain to my wife, that i care about ‘S’, and although we didnt get married, i sympathise
with her about her predicament. Of course, the wife wouldnt ever understand these things, so the proverbial shit hit the fan,
sadly. I said to her. Always remember, you S the most important thing
to happen in my life, you have left a void that will never be filled by anyone else. Right or wrong, you will always hold
a special place in my heart till my dying breath.
she responded.
The only thing thats kept me going all these years is you in my mind,
thats so pure even allah should be proud of me. Ive done nothing wrong, and never will, ive never hated you, i want you to
know that. I pray five times a day with my husband and remember all my dearest in my duas.
All i can do now is pray to Allah, to help make us the best of friends. I know and swear that i would never
cross the line with her, physically, sexually or any other illegal way. I did not even touch her in the years we
were talking to each other and fell in love. Im not that kind of person. I just hope Allah sees im genuine, and my care for 'S'
is genuine as well. May Allah bless you and your website for the great work that
you do. Ameen.
Our Feedback
Thanks so much for your heartfelt
email.
You will be with her FOREVER in Jannah , paradise is yours with her I know that with all my faith. I can
almost guarantee that to you. It’s the day you will meet and be together for eternal happiness. THAT DAY ALLAH WILL
HEAR ALL THESE STORIES AND JUSTICE WILL BE DONE.
This evil culture can destroy such a beautiful love story.
You’re both amazing people. She was too decent and kind to defy her family and you were too decent not to run
away with her. Allah knows all this and he will bless you and compensate you for this in the real life which is not this one.
You were made for each other by Allah I say this.
Thanks again for your incredible email. It can only strengthen
our resolve to fight to save others.
Thanks for your story which will help many more YOU + "S" love stories
for not suffering the same. InshAllah. I am so hurt and can stop praying for you both. If you want to talk about it please
let me know if it helps.
Asalaam u Alaykum brothers and sisters. I live in America, in a small town where there is a huge Desi Community. I look around and realize that all
of our elders (Parents, Grand Parents, Auntie's Uncle's) are old school, and are deeply in Love with their traditions
and cultures. I look around and see so many young people, being taken back home, and often even time's here in America,
they are married to their cousins. I don't know if they are happy or not with that decision to marry their cousin's,
but I do know deep down inside that It's Haram what our elder's are doing. I grew up in Pakistan, I was about two years old when I came to America. I am the only child. I
have no brothers and Sisters. I did have cousins (Dads Mamoo Ke Poothe, Aur Pothiyan) but I was never close to them. I been
to Pakistan numerous times. From like 1990-1991, 1993-1994, 2000, 2004, 2008. I never remember it being a Good visit, because
I felt always deep down inside, that these people that I am living with are evil. My dad's brother's sister's,
and other relatives, are Gold Diggers. My dad always sent money back home to help his brother's out.
My two
Cha Chas (Uncle's) hardly ever worked. They owned land that was bought with my dad's money, and had people working
under them. My older Cha Cha never had children, so he would spend it mostly on my Pho Po's Children (Dad's Sister),
my other Cha Cha would spend it on random stuff. I never got any money when I was there to go get what I wanted. My mom had
to make chakoor's and sell them so I can get ice cream. Let's just say that my the women didn't have authority
to anything. They just gave birth to children, clean the houses and tried to pass time by.
I remember clearly
when I visited back in 2000, with my Dad's Mamoo children, who went to get married back home. I attended my dad's
uncles kids wedding. I remember clearly my dad's Mamoo's son, being forced to Marry. My dad's Mamoo passed away
along time ago. My dad's Mami who has lived here for ages was talked into forcing her son to marry. At first he resisted,
since he was married to a Vietnamese lady, and had 3 children with her. We never saw those children, because he never showed
his wife to our family. Well they made him certain that before his father passed away, he wanted his son to marry his niece.
He disagreed, but then did so, because his sisters were married to his cousins, and if he disagreed, His sisters would suffer.
He divorced his Vietnamese wife, for that reason. I was at my Pho Po's two son's wedding (June 2000). I remember
my mom asking me a few days before which one of my cousins I thought was cuter. I told my mom the little one was cute.
I was asked at the age of 13, I didn't know there intentions, I never said I wanted to marry her, or liked her in that
way.Anyways, on the day of the wedding, my mom supposedly put a ring on my cousins hand and claimed her for me. I didn't
know what was happening, considering the fact that I was an American Raised Pakistani. I look back now and realize that my
parents always made me work hard for every little simple thing in life. My cousin Cha Cha Ka Beta whose not educated at all
got a brand new computer bought from my dad. Who sent the money From America, when I would run like a dog to cousins houses
and use there computer, and listen to them talk about me using up their ink for printing and wasting their electricity, or
running to the library to use the computer, when I could have easily had a computer at home. I worked since I was 16. I gave
all of my money to my parents to the point where I didn't even keep a dollar in my own pocket.I once, called my Pho Po, who lives in our
house back home, shes not married, she's often sick a lot. I told her that I didn't want to marry their niece, before
I could finish my sentence, my mom hanged up the phone. (She pulled the plug). Later on that week, my Pho Po died, and everyone
blamed me for her death, saying I said something to her and this happened. My parents at that time stopped those talks, and
said it was nonsense.
I told myself that I would ignored my family issues, and go about on my life,
later on I fell in Love for a (Non Pakistani Desi girl), who was not a practicing Muslim, but she was born a Muslim,
she never prayed namaz,never wore desi chlothes, wear a Dupatta on her head, nor was Good looking by any means. My parents
found out about her, they forced me to swear on the Quran that I wouldn't think about anyone but their niece. I was scared
at that time,and was so young I fell for their talks. The main reason was, because they wanted to kick me out of the house,
and move back to Pakistan leaving me alone here. I agreed to let go of the Non Pakistani Desi girl. I told her that just let
these day's slide, I will keep in contact with you, and not let you go. I am shocked at what my parents called my Non
Pakistani Desi girl (She sleeps in Chopre (Tents) back home, they do Khala Jadoo, their bad people). I promised myself that,
They wouldn't get what they want, since they didn't allow me to get what I wanted. Later on the Non Pakistani Desi
girl let go of me, just because of my family.I don't fault her, I know deep down inside, that if we got married, my family
would find a way to separate us, and hurt her in one way or another. I wanted to leave my family for her, but she told me
don't do that, you will let go of your parents forever. That's pretty good coming from a girl that was raised by a
single mother, without a father in her life. My parents ripped all of my graduation cards, gift
cards,Birthday cards, letters that my friends ever gave in my life, just because they came from Girls and thought they the
Non Pakistani Desi girl did kala jadoo on me with her gifts. They love their niece a lot, they say she is beautiful as a Moon,
and say there's no other simple girl like her,or someone who is as pretty as her.
My dad applied for visa
for his siblings,but only his older sister and his little brother could come here. My dad has 3 brothers and my mom has 3
sisters. So they intermarried. My older Cha Cha and Khala never had kids, my little Khala has two daughters and one son. My
parents chose the little one because I told them supposedly shes cute. I never said I wanted to marry her.My cousins a few years ago came from Pakistan.
My dad bought a new house so his brother and his nieces and nephew can live with us, and we can be a jointly family. My dad's
brother was able to come to USA, but not his sister. She died before she could come, and her children accused my parents of
doing Khala Jadoo and killing there mother, because my parents didn't want her to come to USA. What a coincidence right,
they accused my girl of doing Kala Jadoo, and in return some one else is blaming them of kala jadoo. My dads brothers and
other sisters, separated from my dad, and supported their nieces and nephews (the ones that accused my dad of doing kala jadoo
and killing my dads sister, before she can come to USA).
My dad's health has been horrible ever since
he accused my girl of doing black magic, and my mom has slowly forgetting to do things, and is depressed lately. My
moms main reason for depression is the accusation of black magic, and also, deep down inside she was thinking about me not
marrying her niece.
I see their health going bad, because of their intentions and maybe for making me suffer so
much in life. My Cha Cha that lived here with us, does not talk to my father, his kids and wife lived here for a few year,
then my dad bought his nephew a house. They live on their own. My dad has been lately
having other Pakistani's talk him into getting me married. I tried numerous times, to forget about my parents stubbornness
but I cant. I know my mind and heart both say no to this. I cant understand how culturally they are in love with. They
are letting their only child suffer. I look back and realize that if this force was out of my life. I would have a better Grade Point
Average in school. This force, they put on me had me Mentally, Physically and Emotionally not their. I felt lonely and depressed
at all times. I couldn't talk to anyone inside the Desi community about it nor Imam's at the Masjid, because they
are the exact same clone as my parents (Culturally proud, and flip the religion with the culture). From
what I hear from my Best friend, who moved recently to Pakistan. That my father called him to advise me that I can only marry
their niece, and NO as an answer is Not an option. My friend told him that he wants an educated Muslim girl. My dad's
like he doesn't need that. Then my friend said he wants to finish school and get a good job. My dad told him why should
he worry about getting good job, I fed him all his life, all he needs to do is to marry my niece. I
cringe on the thought of getting married to her. I never say hi to her, except on Eid. I never make eye contact with her,
I ignore her. I don't hate her, but at the same time. I don't see a future with her. She is uneducated, very young
shes like 19 years old now. She acts like a child. I want a mature girl. My parents just like their niece's no other person
out side of their Clan, Cast, Kaum. My friend was asked by my dad that advice him, and tell him if he doesn't comply with
my request that Intejaam Bura Ho Ga. Whatever the heck that means. I know deep down inside my heart that they never cared
for me, if they did, they would spoil me, do prayers to Allah that they have a son like me. I never said NO to any request
they made in the past. I've struggled so much for every little thing I got in life. I am not going to allow them to do
this to me. If this means I go to Jahanam because I disagreed to their force, then I will happily go to Jahanam. Why should
I and others in my situation go through this torture, if our parents do obey Allah, why should we obey them. Like in Urdu
"Yeh Log Khabhi Uski (Allah) Baath Maneh , Hum Inki Maneh". I
don't know my friend advised me not to say YES to this, because he knows I will divorce her if I got married to her. I
will either way have to separate with my parents. Allah makes rishta's when we are born, not these people inside villages.
I don't get this culture these people live in.They treat there kids like animals, as their property.
Lanat
Hai Aiseh Mah Baap Phar. Sorry to say, but if this doesn't end, more and more of us will suffer. They don't even ask
for our say in things. I heard that only girls don't have a say, but nowadays Boy's don't have a say either. This
only happens for Desi kids growing up abroad, people in Pakistan have a say more then us. Our
elders are afraid of change, but change needs to happen. How is Allah going to forgive them on the Day of Qayamah, please
Brother's and Sister's lets fight for our rights, millions of people fought for rights before us. Marriage is life
time not just one day. I will fight for my rights, they never allowed me to make a choice,
I don't know what my Kismat has in store, but I agree to go with it, because at the end even if its the wrong choice.
The choice is mine no one else. Please put this on your site, and don't give my name out. Khuda Hafiz
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