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Marrying a Western born Pakistani Man
YOUR QUESTIONS:
Question:
Not sure where I'm suppose to post this. But right now I am in a very
difficult situation. I am non Pakistani but I have been practising Islam for four and a half years now as I am deeply in love&
involved with a British Pakistani. I recently found out that a year ago when he went to holiday in Pakistan
that he got married to his cousin. We had planned our Nikah that same year but he never pursued it when he got back from Pakistan
and I didn't push for it to happen. I now know that he didn't do the Nikah because it would be registered and his
cousin would not be able to come here as his wife or get her visa if he is already married to me. He says that he couldn't
get out of marrying her as it was his mum & grand mother’s wish and his mum has been through a lot and he wanted
to make her happy. He said he never told me because he didn't want to lose me & he was embarrassed. He has apologised
so much & refusing to let me go ( Although I can't even go myself , how can I walk away from the only man I love?!).
He is insisting that we still do Nikah & it's right cause in his heart & mine & before Allah
it's genuine. I am so lost & lonely I can't think straight. I know he loves me but why did he have to proceed
with the marriage?! Please help , any & all advice needed please:
Answer:
Can you please tell me whether his family know anything about you
at all or have ever met you.Usually
a British born Pakistani or Pakistani man has a relentless fear of his parents and family. This leads to years and years of
secrets and anything you want him to tell them it will be ‘I will tell them soon’, ‘I will get them to accept
you’ ,’I will ask them about this matter’, but what actually happens is either the man is too scared to
ever confront his family or if he ever plucks the courage he gets abused, slandered, told he’s a traitor to the family
& culture, hated, cut off and even beaten up in some cases. This fear that is put into us by our Parents is very similar
to that of the father figure’s role in a British Asian Film called ‘ East is East ‘. This is the same reason he got married in a ‘forced’ marriage.
It is very clear that this is an invalid Nikah with this woman but because of his weak character and fear (which is very common)
he has let you down and himself down. Now what do you do now?. This is the typical scenario and if you watched recently on
the news about ‘Asian Men’ which are Pakistani British men preying on young white girls in
the North of England.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1352076/Asian-men-targeting-white-girls-fun-unhappy-arranged-marriages-says-Muslim-peer.html
This happens (which
is haram of course) because the families want their sons and daughter to marry from Pakistan usually to cousins and their
children (no matter how old) can NEVER SAY no so they marry of their parents choice. The girls sadly enter a life of abuse
and neglect whilst a lot of the men have a ‘bit on the side’ or sadly another wife i.e like YOU, the one that
they really wanted. We have had cases of women who have been the secret wife for years and years. This is not where you deserve
to be or want to be. Its half a life or less. Now unless he can be VERY strong and brave he will not be able to fight this. You will hear promise upon promise.
No matter how much he loves you it doesn’t make for it better without fulfilling your rights. All that matters is ACTION
not words. The other problem is a bitter
pill to swallow. The truth is his family will not accept you simply because you are not their choice and not of their approval.
You can bend over backwards to please them and you will only get hatred from them. This is a nation full of people that return
good treatment with ungratefulness and abuse. We have heard thousands of cases of this. They will eventually accept you (
after many many years) but very rarely will they do so in entirety. We don’t know the parents but going by
the general experiences observed the whole marriage will be an uphill struggle for a good number of years if not forever.
It also depends if he has sisters as well. Sister in Laws more than brother in laws if cultured can destroy your marriage
with ignorant remarks, jealousy, interference etc which is normal in this culture. He seems to be what we call the ‘puppy’
type, he will always be put down, scared, never respected and have no right to an opinion no matter how much experience he
has, education or how old he is he will be treated like a child by his parents. Its a wonderful blessing for you that you have come to Islam. This will help you find peace in your life and
be strong. This culture is the total opposite to the rights God has given you under Islam. Our advice is to do Istikharah
whether you should be with him or not. Please see our Istikhara tab on the main page. Allah is the
best guide. We pray that you can be together as there is nothing worse than allowing this non-Islamic culture to win. Please
be patient and wait for a response from your Istikhara which can take upto 7 days. Either you will see a dream or things will
start to move in either direction or your heart will turn away from what is bad for you. His mother may have been through a lot but that doesn’t justify flying all the way to
Pakistan and having a full fledge wedding. The certain thing in all of this is that there will be problems, difficulties and
stress. It all depends on if he is worth all that or not. You seem like an intelligent, sensible person MashAllah. That’s
a decision we can’t make for you but we totally sympathise with you and understand your problem is so stressful, demeaning
and unfair. It is also unfair on the other woman who will have a husband who doesn’t love her and
didn’t want to marry her. So because of this culture and his typical weakness he is destroying 2 womens lives and many
more if he has children.If you want to talk about it , it usually
helps, we can arrange a phone conversation.May
Allah help you. We will make Dua for you. inshAllah
QUESTION: Please help me I need advice!! I am a white American woman and I have a Pakistani
born Muslim fiancé. We are completely in love and
have planned out entire future together. I have converted to Islam and I'm very happy as this was a choice I made for
myself. The problem is as you have guessed is his family will not let him marry me. He came to study when he was 19 years
old he is the eldest son. He was very lonely and married
a Pakistani woman and she has been awful to him she beats him and abuses him and he finally left her. They have 2 children
and he supports her and his children financially he will always support the children. His oldest sister has recently been
married last week and he returned to Pakistan for this wedding, whom he paid for. He does everything for his family they are
his everything and I love this about him he truly is a wonderful man. Before he left his wife whom he's already left tried
to commit suicide as a desperate attempt to win him back. He confided in his Aunt and her son (a fully grown man) about wanting
to divorce her and be with me. His aunty whom herself married a white man said I will help you convince your mother she listens
to me…. When he brought this up on Tuesday his mother forbid it, his auntie and cousin denied knowledge and his mother
said she's spoken to his wife and arranged for him move back home. I'm heart broken this was meant to be the start
of my life with the man I love and its destroyed . His mother has made him place his hand on her head and swear he will return
to her and the kids and not to be with me. He tried to confront her the following day and she now has his passport and refuses
him to come home she said she will send for his wife and kids and he must stay there. Please help me convince
by beautiful boyfriend that he can stand up to them. He said he MUST OBEY HIS MOTHER IT’S AGAINST ALLAH AND HIS CULTURE
NOT TO, I've preached Islam to him but he won’t change his mind!! His mother is dying from cancer and said it’s
his fault cause he's with me and she will disown him if he doesn’t do as she says. She said he won’t even
be allowed to the funeral please help me convince him that his mother adores him they have nothing without his money and if
he leaves his wife as he so wants to do so his children will not suffer and his mother will not die!! I've explained she
is testing him she may not talk to him for a period of time but she will come round!! I even suggested we keep our relationship
a secret as long as he gets away from his wife as he can't mentally bear the thought of going back to misery, his mother’s
reply to him saying this was…. I took it for years from your father so must you. I'm
in such a sad place and feel so lost. I can't find the strength to see the light no matter how hard I pray I can't
get out the dark. I'm so deeply in love and I feel my whole world has been taken from me. I'm so scared his motor
won't let him leave Pakistan. He's beyond my reach at the minute he is up and down and I keep turning to Allah and
hope he does too but he's trapped in his culture. I feel I can't get him back. One minute he said he'll fight
the next he's too scared. He has to whisper to talk to me on the phone I feel so helpless. HE'S SO MUCH STRONGER
WITH ME BUT HE SOUNDS SO DIFFERENT ON THE PHONE. Please tell me what to do this all feels so heavy on my shoulders. He tells
me I'm his soulmate and we were chosen for each other. I've never felt so in love and then he tells me he has to do
what his mother tells him there is no choice. He has responsibilities. I can't get in he's shut me out. He's being
so cold and he's just told me that he'll make it easier for me by trying to make me hate him and all he has succeeded
in is making me cry. Please help me? I keep telling myself to wait have patience bit my heart is broken and my tears r never
ending. What's the next step brother? My beautiful fiance is surrounded by people telling him never
ever to talk to me again. I'm so scared he's is about to cut himself off from me to make him deal better. I tried
to read him stories I read online and all he said was these families are not mines. It's not the same. Please help me!! Julia
REPLY:
Assalamoalaikum
Sister, its only the strong ones that manage to fight these pressures, i will need to talk to him or at
least be able to email him. It’s actually HARAM for him to obey his mother in this situation . Forced marriages
are HARAM. This is known clearly from Sahih Hadith and sayings of our Prophet (pbuh).Also blackmail is haram and strictly forbidden. He is caught in the typical dilemma
of not wanting to “disobey” his mother and go against the cultural which is very hard to fight. If his mother tells him not to do
something that is enjoined by Allaah, and she tells him to do something that Allaah has forbidden, then he must not obey him
in her. The Prophet (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no obedience to any created being if it involves disobedience towards the Creator.”
If a parent orders his child to do something that involves
disobedience towards Allaah, it is not permissible for him to obey by disobeying Allah, so how can a son or daughter obey
the parents or one of the parents by committing sin? All
goodness is in obeying Allaah and His Messenger, and all evil is in disobeying Allaah and His Messenger. End quote. Majmoo’
al-Fataawa (32/261-264) If his heart is with you and he marries who he doesn’t
want to then its a forced marriage under emotional cultural blackmail. This is clearly forbidden in Islam.
THIS CULTURE MAKES GROWN MEN INTO SMALL CHILDREN THAT ARE SO SCARED OF THEIR PARENTS AND FAMILY
THAT THEY DESTROY NO ONLY THEIR OWN LIVES BUT THE LIVES OF THE PEOPLE THEY LOVE BUT ARE TOO WEAK TO BE WITH.
The only thing i am concerned about is that even if he leaves home and comes and marries you , he is too weak
to survive a marriage with you. He will keep listening to his families lies and corrupt culture and that will always cause
problems in your marriage. His family will never accept you fully. If they accept you partially it will be after many years
usually.
As
in this culture only their choice is the right choice.
Also he will always be thinking about his mother and family whilst living with you and that will make him uneasy and even
possibly fight with you. He
will never be able to be man who will protect you and fight for your rights even if you convince him now. In the long run
he is too naive and cultural. Allah knows best.
Be strong and keep trying and making
dua too. We will try to do our best to help you inshAllah
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