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Your Questions - Married To A Pakistani Man
Question: I have finally plucked up the courage and left the heartless
animal I used to call husband. It was very difficult and I had no one to turn to.
It was 8 years of silent suffering. Only now for the first time did I tell one of my sisters and my little brother. They never
knew I was going through this ‘prison sentence’ because I never told anyone. Now that I’ve told them I feel
better and my little brother bless him is very caring and supportive. Its my faith that keeps me going but sometimes I feel
down. Please advise. Also how can I help others in my situation?
Answer:
Thank
you and JazakAllah for your email. With all the emails we receive , which are all heart breaking and as bad as the last we
receive , I need to explain to you and try to make you see things in a completely new light.Firstly you may have thought all those years that you were married (I assume
you are now divorced) that you have had some terrible bad luck or bad “kismat” to be married to this man (sorry
he is not deserving of the label “man” as he has none of the attributes or qualities of a man)
.Sadly it is not called bad luck. Bad luck is when something unexpected or unplanned happens. In the case of a British Pakistani
marrying a “man” from Pakistan it is a case of a guaranteed life of hell and this is down to
it being an arranged marriage, forced marriage or through your acceptance at the time due to your decency, family pressure/loyalty,
simplicity or lack of knowledge and understanding of these evil men. You see it’s a fact that all these marriages carry
the same suffering.Also how can I help others in
my situation? Its so pleasing to hear you want to help others. Allah will help you when you help others inshAllah. We have
to stand up to this great injustice and it is everyone’s duty to expose this evil and support other women you know in
the same situation .Have you ever thought of
speaking to anyone you know who is married to a Pakistani man? Try it and you will give someone very much needed support and
a shoulder to cry on. I know that is shocking
and you’re wondering how can it be but we can even tell you the exact words and sentences
he used to abuse you . This is because the trends are the same. The conclusion is that you are amongst the over 100,000 or
more British Muslim sisters all over the United Kingdom and many many more worldwide who married a Pakistani man who is very
similar in behaviour to your ex husband.Although the numbers of British sisters married to Pakistani men is not known for exact, we are not fabricating
the percentage of women suffering. That data comes from the surveys, interviews and statistics that have been gathered. This
is also the very reason why we set up this website. Pakmarriages.com was setup because we were shocked that such an evil oppression
(zulm) is occurring to our sisters every single day and they have no voice and no one gives a damn and more
importantly their families say suffer all your life, you can’t leave him he’s your “husband” and its
our culture, even using our beautiful religion of Islam to make these women stay with these heartless men. These marriages where done by ‘our parents’
purely for the sake of keeping this corrupt culture and customs alive. You both must realise it is the very same culture that: -
Allows son’s to go out clubbing when their daughters are controlled and watched like a hawk -
The same culture that believes that having a boy at birth is happiness and having a daughter is the biggest grief -
The same culture in which our parents would forgive and even cover up the gravest of sins such as murder, rape, robbery
and fraud, but would never forgive marrying our own choice. Ironically Islam is the exact opposite where such sins as murder,
rape, robbery and fraud are highly sinful and marrying of your choice is the ONLY choice and highly rewardable
in Allah’s eyes!.
The best thing you ever did in your life was to leave him. I am really happy to hear that unlike many women you have had the courage to stand up for yourself and believe
quite rightly that you deserve someone better or a life of peace without him. Its very hard for sisters to take this step
and start to believe in themselves again.You
have made so many sacrifices for him and he did not even deserve one second with you. But like you have said in your email,
you have faith that things will get better and you know that if you stayed with him he would have carried on in his evil ways
and constantly put you down because he is a “useless nobody” and had to control you just in case you realised
your real potential and most importantly your real rights as a human being and as a Muslim woman. His treatment of you was the only way he knows how to keep you down to make sure
you never get up. Let’s face it, if you had had no children you would have been straight out that door much much earlier.
He was only a cancer for your child, all they were witnessing was terrible for their upbringing and unfortunately children
grow up and repeat what they saw all their lives so please don’t ever regret that you have wronged your children by
leaving your husband. So many sisters have ruined not only their lives but their children’s lives by staying with these
evil men for the sake of the children. In Islam we have three separate talaqs (as per the Holy Quran) unlike the Indian / Pakistani one Talaq rule
so if by a miracle he really shows improvements you can take him back otherwise you will be free after your divorce if you
have not already done one. Also always ask Allah for guidance before making any decision and do istikhara . Please see our
‘How to Perform Istikhara and Duas’ page.
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Question: I'm shocked after
reading this. I'm married from Pakistan (not to a cousin) my mum arranged our marriage and now she's not happy with
it herself. I understand what your saying because
my mum is a Pakistani and she is very selfish she wanted my husband to come over to uk and worship her and I didn't allow
this and I'm getting no support from her now. I stood up for my husband moved cities even had another baby because I was
afraid he would leave me. (Already had a girl and now a boy, they only have a 1 half year gap) I want to save up for our kids
future and for our own house in these awful times and my hubby wants to get the rest of his 4 siblings married, which I've
told him isn't our responsibility and then he bad mouths my family. I really don't know what to do I get beats from
him even when I was pregnant, but then I thought he's going to change. Since his indefinite stay he has abused me even
more. I regret getting him his permanent stay in this country. Just because I've been trapped with him because we have
children. What do you think this is going to lead to because I want my marriage to work but I'm not going to take any
crap anymore.
How do I live with him?
Answer:
Thank you for your email. It is totally understandable that you do not want a divorce. We at pakmarriages do not recommend
divorce as that is only as a last resort and the first option would always be to save your ‘marriage’ if you have
children. When someone has no children it is much simpler and an abusive relationship is easier to leave and recommended
if it leaves you with more options to re-marry and rebuild your life. In an ideal world people would marry divorcees
with children but that is not very common but inshAllah that trend is changing slowly.Every case has similar abuse but different circumstances. Some women have a supportive family, others have
no support. Some women can handle more abuse than others. But one thing is fact and that is that no one has the right to be
abused by anyone. Rather a husband has a duty to be very loving, caring and appreciative of his wife.
How do I live with him?
Please visit our ‘THE SOLUTION’ page for further guidance on this matter.Firstly you need to understand that he will not change in the short run unless
you take action and with time and with your actions he may become liveable. Basically he is not going to change it is YOU that has to change. You are going to stop taking any abuse from him anymore. You need to speak the
only language he understands and that is his language. When he gets a piece of his own medicine he will start to fear that
he can’t get away with the abuse. He puts you down even though you have done everything for him. Teach him that you
will only respect him when he respects you. That doesn’t mean you have to stoop to his level and fight all the time
of scream and shout. The silent treatment is good alomgside practical steps. Just consider he doesn’t exist and get
on with your life. If he threatens you or is violent we have seen that these men are so scared of the authorities
especially the police. Once he’s been arrested once for being abusive (not just physical abuse) he
will think twice about doing it again.Also some women kick them out
until they behave and it can make a difference. One thing is for sure if you are going to live another 50-60 years with him
(Allah willing) then your changes have to set new rules in the house. You’re the one who is fulfilling his rights ,
its him not doing his bit. He is not earning for you, he plays mind games, always put you down. He needs
to know that you’re doing him a favour. Your changes are that he will see a new person who does what she thinks is right.
He has friends , you should have and meet your friends. Yes you give
him his rights once he learns to give you yours. If he’s not working he has to work and provide for you otherwise no
‘Roti Salan’. Why should the person who doesn’t earn get lovely warm chapattis?This is a formula that has worked for many sisters. I know its hard but if you don’t
change the suffering will continue. Build you self confidence again and believe in yourself. Don’t let what he says
get to you. Would you value an opinion of a worthless useless person? No , so why his? Basically its the stick and the carrot. Be a good boy and I’ll give you everything, treat me like dirt
and I will not let you get away with it. I’m sure you want to fulfil his rights and be a good Muslim wife but see the
situation in its real context. If you had a teacher and a very rude and naughty student would the teacher just ignore the
student or do something about the students behaviour and attitude. Maybe even expel or suspend the student for a while. Would
that be wrong or cruel? No it would be part if being a responsible teacher. You also need to be responsible for your life
and future.
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Question: Salam, I
came across your website by chance, but i found it quite interesting. I was looking into Islamically if its possible to marry
without your parents consent. I have been separated from my current husband for over 10 months, it was a bad marriage and
experiences very similar to what you have described, he was from Pakistan, and it was done
purely for parents.
I put up with marriage for 4 years before deciding I couldn’t live everyday like this for sake of parents. My decision
to leave him was met with lot of hostility, mainly because it was marriage in family, every worst possible things could happen
did. My parents have been gradually treating me worse as a result of this decision of me separating, and will not go ahead
and grant me divorce from him, i have been fighting for this right since i left him, purely for cultural reasons they will
not go ahead and divorce us, using excuse girl has to wait over a year. I want to move on with my life, I have prospect of
going to a very good house, a good family, but my parents are completely refusing on all level to grant divorce and let
this marriage go ahead, all the tactics u have described, blackmail, emotionally, everything has been used but I will not
back down in this decision. I would like to know Islamically if i can get my divorce and re-marry regardless of their consent?
Answer:
Thank you for your email, it’s really sad and we
feel very upset every time we get another email and believe me that’s a lot of emails!! You wrote in your email “will not
go ahead and grant me divorce from him, I have been fighting for this right since I left him” Allah has made Islam very just and simple
for us. He has given us solutions to every kind of problem and has never made anything difficult. Rather it is our own deceptions
or lack of knowledge of Islam that make our problems seem unsolvable. Allah has made our life easy but it is us who make it
a mountain to climb. Respecting parents doesn’t mean you live in hell all your life. In terms of your question, parents have many rights over us, but they are not a judge
in whether you can seek a divorce from your husband. Parents have a right to be loved, respected and cared for but Allah has
not given
them the right to grant divorce and it is not for them to choose who you spend the rest of your life with. Only Allah can
dictate whether you can ask for a divorce. This is why we have Ulema/Scholars to advise us on these matters. And in Hadith we find traditions like the following:
"Khansa bint Khidhan who had a previous marriage, related that when
her father married her and she disapproved of that, she went to the Messenger of God and he revoked her marriage."
(Bukhari, Ibn Majah)
"A [girl who was not married] came to the Messenger
of God and mentioned that her father had married her against her will, so the Prophet allowed her to exercise her choice."
(Abu Da'ud, on the authority of Ibn 'Abbas)
Divorce is a very simple process in Islam made impossible by this corrupt culture. Although Allah
wants us to avoid divorce in our lives, He has given us the opportunity to divorce as a solution to problems as an absolute
last resort. Any woman can seek divorce if her husband has treated her ‘unjustly’ i.e. not giving you your Islamic
rights as a wife. Amongst many reasons if he constantly abuses you physically, verbally or mentally, does not provide you
with your financial needs and sexual needs etc a divorce can be sorted by applying for a khula to a shariah council. You can
apply simply by filling in a form through: http://www.islamic-sharia.org/ You have way more than justifiable means to get a talaq. It is 100% permissible as he
did not fulfil any of your rights during this arranged/cultural arrangement for him (this economic migrant) to gain permanent
stay in the U.K via a British passport. Rather he has abused every aspect of marriage and treated you worse than dirt. It
was not a marriage in the Islamic sense, rather a family loyalty, a favour to get a man from a third world country to England
to earn for his family. Such rights of women definitely include the right to divorce their husbands when and where cohabitation becomes difficult.
Khulu’: Divorce initiated on the part of the
wife The linguistic
definition of khulu’ means to take off the clothes or to take out. According
to Shari’a terminologly, khulu’
refers to a woman’s right of cancellation of her marriage. Just as a
man can divorce if he has a genuine objection, similarly, a woman may also have a khulu’
if she has a genuine excuse, and after returning the dowry (mahr or sadaaq).
Some of the valid reasons for a woman to ask for a Khulu’ include disliking her
husband’s treatment, such as being hot tempered, over-strict, one who criticizes her and rebukes her for the slightest
mistake or shortcoming. Another valid reason is that she may dislike her husband’s physical appearance
due to some deformity or ugliness, or that one of his faculties is missing. Other reasons a woman may instigate
divorce is if her husband is lacking in religious commitment. For example,
he doesn’t pray, or does not fast in Ramadan without a proper excuse, or he goes to parties, whereby the barriers
of Allah are transgressed, such as fornication, drinking alcohol, listening to singing and musical instruments.
Another basis a woman may ask for a divorce is if the husband deprives her of her rights of spending on her maintenance,
clothing, and other essential needs, when he is able to provide these things. A woman may also ask for
a divorce if her husband does not give a woman her conjugal rights and thus keep her chaste due to being impotent, or because
he is unfair in the division of his time among co-wives. It is crucial to point out that there must be
a valid reason behind asking for a khulu’. The Messenger of Allah (s.a.w)
said: “If any woman asks for divorce from her husband without any specific reason, will not smell the fragrance
of paradise.” Please read up
more about Khula and do istikhara and plenty of Duas before you apply your divorce (Khula).
Such genuine reasons include physical or emotional
abuse, for at no time does Islam tolerate such behaviour from anyone; the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) instituted
the firm principle that "there shall be no inflicting or reciprocating of harm" (Ahmad and Ibn
Majah).The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) inferred the above principle from numerous
Qur'anic verses that clearly forbid abuse, injury, or harm in every respect in all cases, and even more particularly in
spousal relations. Thus we read a constant theme in the Qur'an: [But do not retain them
in order to harm or wrong them.] (Al-Baqarah 2:231) [Do
not harass them so as to make life intolerable for them.] (At-Talaq 65:6) [A
mother should not be made to suffer because of her child, nor should a father because of his child. The same duties devolve
upon the father's heir.] (Al-Baqarah 2:233) Based on these and similar evidence, there is a consensus among scholars that where there is clear evidence
of harm inflicted on a wife, she has every right to seek divorce from her husband. The Qur'an has also established the principle that where spouses feel that
they are so utterly incompatible with each other that they find themselves in a situation where they will not be able to protect
themselves against sins, then they have a right to divorce. Thus we read in the sources that the Prophet (peace and blessings
be upon him) granted divorces to women who had complained to him that they were no longer happy with their husbands because
of their incompatibility, while their husbands had no moral faults as such. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him)
never harassed these women by further questioning; he only told them to return the dower and gifts they had received from
their husbands Marriage in Islam is a very different thing. Marriage is about companionship
between husband and wife. It is about giving each other their rights and building a loving home. It’s
about love, compatibility, and doing everything to please Allah. Marriage is defined as completing half of your deen. Think
about it, this did not happen in your marriage. Alhamdulillah, you are one of the very few lucky ones
who have been strong enough to leave this type of marriage, whereas thousands and thousands will live in these abusive
relationships till death, and worse of all, sadly, let their children go through the same cycle. So you are very blessed
by Allah. Imagine 50-60 more years of hell with this heartless evil man (we haven’t met him but we know from
our extensive research).Please look into the
Shariah courts for the Khula and move on with your life with someone who will be your true companion in life inshAllah. Just another point; in this culture your parents will usually NEVER allow you to divorce. So you will have
to be strong and apply for it yourself and you will see that Allah will help you and give you a good husband as a reward for
all your suffering or a peaceful life. May Allah make this task easy for you and give you much happiness in your life.
Ameen. If you need any more advice please do not hesitate to ask.
--------------------------------------------------------- Question: I got married to a Pakistani in March last year and it lasted a month, I left in April and had no
contact with him since.
I'm still waiting for my Islamic divorce but he is no were to be seen or heard. He
was only here for a visa and now this is destroying my life because I want to move on and put the past behind me.
I am lucky I never had the English wedding just the Islamic.
HELP, how do i get my divorce?
Answer:
Assalamoalaikum, This is a very common scenario. If you are in the UK you can apply
for a Khula (Arabic:خلع)
. It is the right of a woman too in Islam to divorce. This is done by filling out a khula (divorce) form through the
Islamic Shariah Council :
http://www.islamic-sharia.org
Their Advice Line Telephone
number is 020 8925 0673 or if calling from abroad 0044 (0)20 8925 0673
The form is printable from their website direct.
May Allah make this easy for you. Ameen
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