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MARRYING OF YOUR OWN CHOICE - DEALING WITH YOUR PARENTS

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Marry of YOUR choice..NOT your parents

MY PARENTS WILL DIE IF I MARRY HIM / HER

Sorry but I had to move this heading to the top as it is the most common reason we hear for you not marrying of your own choice. Lets get the facts rights. First things first . NO PARENT HAS EVER EVER EVER DIED because there son or daughter married of their own choice. Its NOT true and is a strong form of emotional blackmail. Look around at anyone you know who married of their own choice and you will see their parents did not die of shock or trauma. Do not fall for it. Marriage is your right given by Allah. Your parents do NOT have the God Given right to make this decision. Yes your parents can order you to wash the dishes, do the shopping, even ask for money (if they really need it) but they do not have have the right to force you, blackmail you or stop you from marrying any one you want as long as that person is not a bad Muslim. The biggest reason why our parents stop two people (who love each other) from living happily ever after is the concept of bringing shame/izzat bezzati upon the family. The fact that ‘ what will people say ’(Log ke aakhsan) dictates your future even though your marriage will be gossip for only a couple of days if that, and then people will move onto the next flavour of the month!

Think about the last scandal that broke in the family or your neighbourhood, haven't people already forgotten about it. This is how it has always been throughout history and how it will always be. How long can people talk about ‘Nasir running away Rehana ? BUT THEY HATE MY CHOICE. HE/SHE IS NOT WHAT MY PARENTS ARE LOOKING FOR!!!!Sorry to break this to you but if you give up this chance to be with this person you love so much and choose another person, they will still never allow you to marry your next choice. It’s the culture not the person you want to marry. Please understand this. If you bring an angel from the heavens he/she is still not good enough for this culture our parents follow. They will always find faults or say this is not the way we do things. You can never please them till you give up your right to choose and do what they want in terms of marriage and what they want in terms of marriage is not what you want. Lets face it would your mum or dad make the same choice as you? Whether it be a British Muslim or from Pakistan. The answer is NO possibly because you have a cousin in Pakistan who needs a British Passport so you need to “help” him or her by getting married. THE CULTURE

I have written ‘the’ culture and not ‘our’ culture as most aspects of our culture have nothing to do with our beautiful religion of Islam. Needless to say the culture has some good aspects.  Allah (Subhana wa ta’ala) says in the Quran marry of ‘your’ choice. A forced marriage removes the ‘choice’ element. Marrying someone you have never met , spoken to, or know very little about cannot be considered as a ‘chosen’ life partner.

The Pakistani/Asian culture is in actual fact nothing to do with our beautiful religion Islam, in fact it is quite the opposite. Our parents adhere to this culture like glue. As British Pakistani’s our understanding of Islam is according to its basic principles. We have not complicated Islam by diluting it with our culture, but for our parents it is the ‘Pakistani Islam’ which is poisoned with their cultural beliefs, which they follow. I am sure all of us have tried as some stage in our life to make a point to our parents using a Hadith or an Ayah of the Quran. Did you get this response?;

“Chup kar, bara aya ussa noo Islam de bare dasnay ala. Bahot Quran hadeesa ussa noo soonanda hai, Beh ja aram nal” (Punjabi)“Tum koun hotay ho hum ko Islam ka batanay walay” (Urdu)

If you ever try to challenge their culture with Islam they will defend it, sometimes violently. Sadly if you do go to a Pakistani Imam for advice, you are most likely to be given a cultural response such as ‘’ you must respect your parents as they know better’’ rather than a truly Islamic view. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not at all claiming that our parents live non-Islamic lives. They do follow the basic teachings of Namaz, Fasting, Zakat etc. but on top of this they follow a culture which has its roots in India. Many of the beliefs are non-Islamic customs observed by non-Muslims in India.  The culture that our parents follow makes it almost impossible to marry of our own choice. There is a very simple explanation for this. Pakistani parents have the belief that their children are their PROPERTY and they have OWNERSHIP over them for life. They control our every move from birth onwards. This is why they are so strict and deal with us so harshly. The reason so many of us rebel is because this goes completely against our western values.You must realise it is the very same culture that: 

-Allows son’s to go out clubbing and racing cars while their sisters are controlled and watched like a hawk and have restriction imposed                                                                                     -Believes that having a boy at birth is happiness and having a daughter is the biggest grief- Your brother will disown you for wanting to marry of your choice but he himself can be going out with someones sister or have a girlfriend!!!! 

- In which our parents would forgive their sons gravest of sins such as murder, rape, robbery and fraud, but would never forgive marrying our own choice. Ironically Islam teaches the exact opposite, Where such sins as murder, rape, robbery and fraud are highly unforgivable (unless Allah wills) and marrying of your choice is the only choice and highly rewardable in Allah’s eyes!

MY PARENTS WILL DIE IF I MARRY HIM / HER

First things first . NO PARENT HAS EVER EVER EVER DIED because there son or daughter married of their own choice. Its NOT true and is a strong form of emotional blackmail. Look around at anyone you know who married of their own choice and you will see their parents did not die of shock or trauma. Do not fall for it. Marriage is your right given by Allah.  The biggest reason why our parents stop two people (who love each other) from living happily ever after is the concept of bringing shame/izzat bezzati upon the family. The fact that ‘what will people say’(Log ke aakhsan) dictates your future even though your marriage will be gossip for only a couple of days if that, and then people will move onto the next flavour of the month!

Think about the last scandal that broke in the family or your neighbourhood, haven't people already forgotten about it. This is how it has always been throughout history and how it will always be. How long can people talk about ‘Nasir running away Rehana ? 

ITS YOUR CHOICE!!!!!

No person in the world has the right to choose who you intend to spend the rest of your lives with. This is your basic human and Islamic right. Our parents have the right to be loved, respected and cherished but loving and respecting them doesn’t mean destroying your own life for the sake of pleasing the family. We know of cases where 2 British first cousins are not allowed to marry each other because the man chooses the ‘wrong‘ first cousin to marry. So he is forced by his parents to marry the ‘other’ cousin whom he does not want to marry.  There is one thing which favours the men in these situations and that is the fact that the same culture which happily promotes forced marriages under the false pretence of Islam .

ADVICE TO SISTERS

Women who choose to ‘respect’ their parents wishes and not marry of their own choice and end up for example marrying their cousin from Pakistan, are 100% guaranteed a life of hell as explained in our website.

What is ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE is that our parents are willing to take the risk that their daughter might run away from home causing them HUGE dishonour in the family/community but they will not accept their daughter marrying a decent Muslim man with whom she will being happy for the rest of her life!

In some cases we came across families where 2 of their daughters had run off to get married but this did not change their thinking. They are prepared to lose another daughter but not learn their lesson. How stubborn (ziddi) can our parents be. Actually it is not stubbornness, it is the fact that they cannot go against their backward culture.
We know of hundreds of couples who met at colleges and universities, gave into the pressure of parents and ended breaking up only to regret it for the rest of their lives! That will be a punishment for going against your God Given Right to marry each other! Also as in 99.99% of cases the only way men and women have achieved this is by sadly leaving from home. A note of caution that you CANNOT live together without performing Nikah and you would have to live in separate places until you are married through a Nikah. Your marriage will be permissible even if you do not obtain the consent of the girl's Wali, her guardian i.e. her father. As they are not agreeing to her marrying, this implies that they want her to marry someone of their choice, which would be a forced marriage (which is Haraam anyway). It is highly recommended to find a respectable person other than her father or brother to be her Wali (guardian) for example a community leader, Imam, even her uncle or cousin.Our parents always seem to find a  reason to refuse your chosen partner. It could be that they are not from the same caste or not from the same town. They say things like “His parents are from  Mirpur not Lahore”  or “They are Jatts and we are Sheikhs”. These things have nothing to do with the teachings of Islam. In Islam you can marry any other god-fearing Muslim. The classic tactics our parents employ include emotional blackmail, which includes threatening you that the dishonour (besti) will cause them to have a heart attack or you will be dead for them forever. Just for the record, no parent has ever died of a heart attack because of their children marrying of their own choice, it is just a scare tactic and unfortunately it mostly works. Please do not fall for these tricks and simply follow your heart and do as Allah (Subhana wa ta’ala) has allowed you to do. And remember, the last person who married of his own choice is now back with his family and the parents are probably playing with their grandchildren as we speak. And lastly and most importantly:The Holy Prophet (pbuh) said, "Nothing is better for those in love than marriage". [ Transmitted on the authority of Ibn Abbas, Ibn Majah (1847); Al-Hakim and corrected on Muslim's term 2/160, agreed upon by Al-Dhahaby and Al-Baihaqi 7/78; Al-Tabrany, Tammam and others. It is mentioned by Al-Albany in the "authentic ones" (624).]  Another  Hadith says, "If the person who satisfies you in morals and faith comes to you, let him marry (your daughter). If you do not, you will create tribulation on the earth and widespread corruption". [ Transmitted by Al-Termithy (1084); Ibn Majah (1967); Al-Hakim whose amendment was accepted by Al-Dhahaby 2/165 on the authority of Abu Huraira; Al Baihaqi 7/82 on the authority of Abu Hatim Al-Mazay; Ibn Adeyy on the authority of Ibn Umar improved in The Concise Comprehensive Book of Sound Hadith (Sahih al -Jame' as-Sagheer) and its supplement (270).]  

 Thus, Islam has taught the father that his daughter is a "human being" before anything else. She is not a "commodity" to be offered and given to the one 

I HAVE TO MARRY MY COUSIN

Statistically speaking 55% of British Pakistani’s marry their first cousins. Consequently they are 13 times more likely than the general population to produce children with genetic disorders, and that one in ten children of cousin marriages either dies in infancy or develops a serious disability. Thus Pakistani-Britons, who account for some 3% of all births in the UK, produce "just under a third" of all British children with genetic illnesses. Yes, I know it’s scary but this is what comes from not following the Islamic path. 

ADVICE FOR BROTHERS

OUR PARENTS CAN NEVER AND HAVE NEVER DISOWNED THEIR SONS NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO!

No Pakistani parent has ever done it because their sons are Princes. Their sons are one of their biggest achievements in life; their sons are why they can hold their heads up high in the community. So go ahead and marry of your own choice. But do make sure you make the right choice yourself and think long term not just about love but about compatibility, trust and mutual respect.