SHOULD YOU STAY WITH HIM OR SHOULD HE GO?

Either way, whether you decide to live with him or not you must make changes to your life. If you can get rid of this man and free yourself that would be excellent for you. But this all depends on your personal situation. Some women think of remarrying, others have too much family pressure not to divorce. Don't give into the emotional pressure as that's probably what got you into this mess in the first place. If you have no children our advice is to get out of this marriage.  If you have children you need to think more carefully.  All is explained below. Either way there is hope and a better life for you. inshAllah

ITS NOT EASY BUT WILL GET EASIER WITH TIME


We are not saying by any stretch of the imagination that this is going to be easy but we have seen some improvements in women’s lives. BASICALLY UNLESS YOU FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHTS YOU WON’T GET ANY. By fighting we don’t mean arguing or being abusive. We mean living your life in as reasonable a way as possible. Having a life which is as normal as possible. Otherwise depression will hit you badly. Then it’s just a downhill spiral.

WHAT POWER DO YOU HAVE IN THIS MARRIAGE?

DO NOT SUFFER IN SILENCE. THAT IS HIS BIGGEST WEAPON. HE CAN ONLY ABUSE YOU WHEN HE KNOWS NO ONE WILL HOLD HIM TO ACCOUNT.

Good news is you do have power.

These men do not fear you and they definitely do not fear Allah. They only fear 4 things:

1.      Besti – What will people say or think of me if they find out. Basically if Allah is angry with him he couldn’t care less as long as people think he’s an angel. It’s called hypocrisy. He will do anything to keep his ‘good name’ in front of people that know him. Although you don’t want to wash your dirty linen in public you have to get sincere caring people involved.

2.    Immigration - Any threat to his legal status in the UK, USA etc. NEVER give him his indefinite stay.    Avoid and delay for as long as possible. He loves Pakistan and he swears at this country. He should keep his lovely green passport.
 
3. The Authorities such as the Police.- They have a fear of the ‘gora’ white man in uniform. Women’s rights in the west are known to them and it really annoys these men. In Pakistan their wives have less rights than an animal. Use these rights if you need to.

4. Property and Money-  He married you for money. Keep everything in your name. If he has to have his name on something have an agreement made by a solicitor called a Trust Deed giving all the proceeds or value of your property etc to your children or loved ones.  This allows the property to be in anyone’s name but the real owner is the one whose name is on this agreement called the Trust Deed. It’s very simple and 100% legally secure.THESE ARE THE POWERS YOU HAVE AGAINST HIS ABUSE.

WHAT ABOUT MY HUSBANDS RIGHTS?  IF HE IS UPSET ALLAH IS UPSET. GOD WILL BE ANGRY WITH ME!!

This has been the most common reason for women taking abuse thinking it’s their Islamic duty! Did you know that if a man does not earn and provide for you and meet your sexual needs you have grounds for a divorce! Not that you should do that but it’s just an indication of how serious marriage is for a man. The responsibilities on the husband are huge. You must fulfil your duties but why is he free of his responsibilities? His parents, brothers and sisters (who are just using him) come first , second , third, fourth…….. etc. They are always his priority. But what about you and your children? Please study Islam from the Quran and Sunnah and not the Pakistani Islam which has been polluted by corrupt ideas and culture. Try to understand your rights and not only his rights. You seem to know all the rights of a Muslim husband but don’t seem to know the rights of a Muslim wife and children !!!!


IS YOUR HUSBAND DISABLED?
 
These men offend genuine people with disabilities. How? You might ask!!  You see, your husband has made you believe it is his right to abuse you, put you down, tell you are useless, worthless and on top of that act as if he is DISABLED. You have to bring the food and drinks to the table whilst he sits like a king. He doesn’t have to lift a finger. This culture teaches us that women have to do everything for the man. The Prophet (pbuh) did not behave like this.  What we mean is he can’t work or do anything PRODUCTIVE (or very little) for YOU or YOUR CHILDREN.  Yet he can die for his family. If he can do so much for his family he is not ‘disabled’ when it comes to them. It’s just when it comes to you. So he needs a real kick up the backside. You may ask what’s wrong with that? We get regular emails from women who are holding down jobs, making a fresh cooked meal every morning before going to work for the husband, getting the kids ready for school, going to work as their ‘husbands’ refuse to work or earn for them, come home tired and then cook again another fresh meal for him, clean the whole house whilst serving him like a waitress. He demands to be treated like royalty. Whilst he can never even go to the kitchen and get his own food from the fridge and warm it up, he can never do anything for the kids, he can demand whatever pleases him and his family but you can demand NOTHING.

The reward for all that is getting abused, shouted and sworn at and being told ‘You are Useless’ . The classic one is when the ‘criminal’ husband (it’s a crime what he is doing to you so we call them criminals) says “What have you achieved in this country? If I was born here I would have become a millionaire”.

Let’s look at the Prophet’s (pbuh) life. According to Aisha (RA), the Prophet (SAW) used to cobble his shoes, stitch his clothes and do the kind of housework that is done in all homes. He was a human being just like anyone else. He used to milk his goat and do sundry other chores himself. (At-Tirmidhi).He would help his wives in the house and work in the house. He was not demanding. He could have got any of his wives or even the Sahaba to do whatever he wanted.The thing is your husband has to get off his backside and do things for himself. God has given him legs, arms , hands etc. Yes you should serve him for the reward ( thawaab ) but not every single day and every single time. You may be very tired especially if you have kids, have been to work or have other issues. Why should a Muslim man not help iron his own clothes, hoover the house, pick the kids up from school?

You may be worried that people will think you are a bad. That’s not what Islam says. Don’t fear people, fear Allah. That’s all that matters.A woman at the time of the Prophet (pbuh) left a man she didn’t want to live with. The ex husband would keep begging and asking her to take him back. The man went to the Prophet (pbuh) and asked him to intervene and convince her to take him back. The woman was asked by Rasool Allah (pbuh) to consider him and she was not interested. The prophet did not force her or insist. It was totally her choice.Nowhere in Islam does it say a woman MUST just take it (do ‘bardasht’). Rather her family MUST try to help resolve the issues. As long as you are doing you duties which from our experience most of the women go beyond their duties you have nothing to worry about.Now when it comes to his complaints and mind games you must only consider them if they are Islamic reasons. He cannot swear at your family, he cannot go out till the early morning, he must give you money every week, he cannot stop you from meeting anyone you want unless he has an Islamic reason, he cannot demand you cook whatever he wants when he wants unless he is fulfilling you rights. 

Yes if you still do it, you will get immense reward from Allah.  Unless you teach him that you deserve respect and dignity you will not get out of this mess.  He will only realise that he has to start giving you importance and value when you give him some food for thought e.g. give him something to realise or think about. These men are extremely arrogant and stubborn and hard to change but we have seen some women get better lives by fighting for it in an intelligent way.
 
YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT GOD, HE HAS TO GIVE AND TAKE RIGHTS AND HE IS JUST AS ACCOUNTABLE AS YOU ARE FOR HIS ACTIONS IF NOT MORE. HE IS MEANT TO BE YOUR PROVIDER AND PROTECTOR. WHAT HE SAYS ONLY HOLDS VALUE IF IT IS CORRECT BY ISLAM NOT BY WHAT HE THINKS  


SITUATION NO.3

 IF YOU ARE A WOMAN WHO IS MARRIED TO A PAKISTANI NATIONAL WITH NO CHILDREN

I do not need to remind you that the person who the world refers to as your ‘husband’ only married you to get to the UK and the prospect of guaranteed money for himself. Remember the golden rule with these men is P.P.P. No, Not the Pakistan Peoples Party. He has only married you for PPP.

1.      The Passport
2.      The Pounds (Money)
 3.      The Power (Control)

 If you have not already done so, then do not let him get his indefinite visa. If you want to    punish him then, for him, there is no greater punishment than to stop him obtain permanent status in the UK. After all, he always tell you how rubbish this country is and how great Pakistan is, then you can do him a favour and send this ungrateful man back there. If you have an opportunity to do this then do it because why would you want this man to stay here and possibly marry another woman from the UK and make her suffer the same way you have.  
 
 You can count yourself extremely lucky that you do not have children. To realise just how lucky you are, read the section below regarding women married with children, and you will understand what I mean. You have an opportunity to end the Zulm (cruelty), he is inflicting upon you. It doesn’t need to go on forever. Allah (Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala) says “O My servants ! I have forbidden dhulm (oppression) for Myself, and I have made it forbidden amongst you, so do not oppress one another”.

I understand that divorce will cause problems within your family but don’t forget it was your family that blindly arranged your marriage to this man. They should respect that you gave this man more than a chance and he has not appreciated you for who you are. Most women do not get the support from their parents that they would need if they decided, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, and left their husbands. After all, your parents simply arranged the marriage and left you to deal with the consequences of their actions,  and in many cases, they turn a blind eye to the Zulm their own daughter goes through. Even more hurtful is the fact that if your hiding or covering up his evil acts, then your family and friends actually think he is a really lovely husband!!  

What you  need to understand is that our advice is to usually leave the this person if you have NO children. You are very blessed to be in this situation. Most 'victims' of these marriages have children and find it extremely difficult to even think of leaving these marriages.  Now what you need to understand is that he will NEVER change. If you decide that you want to be patient and live for any reason like your family, parents, honour , shame or just don’t want to be divorced then you have to understand that he is incapable of changing. Because to change you need two things: 

 1. To accept there is something wrong with your behaviour 

2. To do something practically about changing those evil or bad habits.  Its highly unlikely he will do those 2 things. 

So the only way to live with him is that YOU will have to CHANGE. Yes YOU!  How?  You will have a battle on your hands but what we have seen is that you need to:  

1.      Speak His Language: When he abuses you , do not sit back like a lamb and let the wolf torture you. Tell him you will not take it. You are the reason he is in this great country. Some women kick them out, others fight back. What this does is shows him your not going to take cr*p anymore and that your not just a rag on the floor he can throw about .  

2.      Never ever get him his Leave to Remain/ British passport. If you haven’t already done so. He only married you for the passport and that’s a great power in your hands so use it wisely. 

3.      Cut Off All Forms of Service to Him till he behaves. So you don't let him swear at you and your mum and dad, take your money, give you no money, be out all day long, not let you out and then you reward him with a nice slap up freshly made karahi chicken with naan (with butter).  

4.      You will start to treat him like a king when he treats you like a queen. That day may never come but at least you know your not stressing about serving him like a king. VERY IMPORTANT: The rights of a husband in Islam are many but so are yours. Allah has given  you EQUAL rights to him. So where are your rights???? When he behaves like a husband he gets the rights of a husband. When behaves like an animal you deal with him accordingly. Now the above scenario is not an ideal one.  

5.      The other way is to TOTALLY IGNORE HIM like he doesn’t exist and get on with your life and have him as a label husband. So you meet your friends, go out, go to work and give him his basic rights. And lastly is FREEDOM, Freedom forever from all this unnecessary abuse by leaving him and praying to Allah to keep you strong. But before you do this you must ask Allah for guidance and help and do the Istikhara prayer.  

6.      This is the most difficult step. Most people who have left these 'criminals' have found life better on their own. But it depends on your circumstances. Will your family support you once you leave him? Do you have friends to rely on? Can you keep yourself busy to not think about it.  Don’t forget he will not give up if you leave him. He will chase you, get family involved, make false promises of changing and beg you till you take him back. After that it will be your choice. One thing is true and that is Sabar and Shukr (patience and gratefulness) in any situation works.

 7.       So either way a believer is always a winner. No Allah does not say punish yourself with a heartless man so you have the choice and that’s why Talaq is disliked but not made haram and some circumstances you just have no choice!!!!  We do not recommend divorce of course but on a case by case basis it depends on your circumstances. Some people have more self esteem, courage and self respect, family support etc than others. It doesn’t mean if you decide to live with him you have no self respect it just means you have a situation that’s different to others. Don't forget the constant putting down, mental abuse, him making you feel worthless does a lot of damage unless you are very strong. Sadly most of our parents get us married to them and then leave us to these wolves to fend for ourselves. Or they support us until we want to leave them.  


8.      Then the ‘Besti’  bad name (this has nothing to do with Islam) is too big a thing for our parents. But with time they will get over it. In a few cases and I mean very few, the man has changed to a liveable situation where he has cut down his abuse, but happiness and peace of mind from his part is a long shot.  One of the punishments Allah gives these people is they are never ever content or happy. They are always restless, stressed and miserable. This is because of their injustices towards you the victim.  Please think about it carefully. The reality is that if you feel you can do better for yourself and inshAllah remarry from this country that would be good. Not that everyone married from the UK is happy but at least you can compromise, speak your own language (English) and live with someone who resembles a human being and you can relate to. And don’t forget to make dua and ask Allah to help and guide you to whats best for your Dunya and Akhira. INSHALLAH  

IF YOU DO DECIDE TO CONTINUE IN THIS MARRIAGE DO NOT EXPECT HIM TO CHANGE!!!!  YOU WILL HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR WAYS OF DEALING WITH HIM. ONLY THEN CAN YOU EXPECT CHANGE IN HIS BEHAVIOUR TOWARDS YOU. 


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SITUATION NO.4 

IF YOU ARE A WOMAN WHO IS MARRIED TO A PAKISTANI NATIONAL WITH CHILDREN

 
It’s not him that’s going to change but YOU. Yes you have to change and become more aware, smart and get what you need out of this marriage. At the moment you expect very little or nothing from him whereas his family expect so much from him. That’s why they get what they want and you don’t get anything. Start asking for things to get done. Tell him he has to start putting in more. He has to start doing things that are his part of the marriage. For example if you are doing all the chores, paying the bills, picking up the kids , taking them for appointments all on your own then he is of no use to you.


YOU HAVE A FEW CHOICES:

A)     Live with him but YOU have to change YOUR way of life to be able to survive this marriage.

B)     Kick him out and move on ( Temporarily or to re-marry one day ).

C)     If getting re-married does look realistic then decide if can you live on your own for the sake of peace of mind, no fights, no abuse and some freedom.
 
D)      Have Sabar and Shukr in ALL SITUATIONS but don’t be A PUNCH BAG. ( Patience and Gratefulness ).

A)     Live with him but YOU have to change YOUR way of life to be able to survive this marriage.

Basically he is not going to change it is YOU that has to change. You are going to stop taking any abuse from him anymore. You need to speak the only language he understands and that is his language. When and only when he gets a piece of his own medicine he will start to fear that he can’t get away with the abuse. He puts you down even though you have done everything for him. Teach him that you will only respect him when he respects you. That doesn’t mean you have to stoop to his level and fight all the time or scream and shout. The silent treatment is good alongside practical steps. Just consider he doesn’t exist and get on with your life. If he threatens you or is violent make it clear that you have rights and know your rights given by Allah. We have seen that these men are so scared of the authorities especially the police.  Once he’s been arrested once for being abusive (not just physical abuse any type of abuse) he will think twice about doing it again. FACT.

The other thing you need to do is study Islam and see what your rights are.  The Pakistani culture teaches you that your husband is almost like a God. No matter what you have to do what he says when he says. You will be shocked to learn that you have more rights than him. We understand its very difficult as they are so stubborn and never see any faults in themselves but in Pakistan they say ‘Shareef wo hai jis ko moqa nahi milla’.  Meaning he will remain relatively liveable as long as you don’t give him a chance to abuse you.O’ and STOP sending presents and money to the In-Laws!!!!!! No matter what you do they will always the presents were not nice and the money wasn’t enough. Give that money to people who are starving and dying in the world like in Africa.

One thing is for sure if you are going to live another 50-60 years with him (Allah willing) then your changes have to set new rules in the house. You’re the one who is fulfilling his rights , its him not doing his bit.  He is not earning for you, he plays mind games, always put you down. He needs to know that you’re doing him a favour. Your changes are that he will see a new person who does what she thinks is right. He has friends , you should have and meet your friends. Yes you give him his rights once he learns to give you yours. If he’s not working he has to work and provide for you otherwise no ‘Roti Salan’. Why should the person who doesn’t earn get lovely warm chapattis?This is a formula that has worked for many sisters. I know its hard  but if you don’t change the suffering will continue. Build you self confidence again and believe in yourself. Don’t let what he says get to you. Would you value an opinion of a worthless useless person? No , so why his?

BASICALLY UNTIL YOU GIVE HIM A WAKE UP CALL YOU WILL NOT SEE ANY CHANGE. IF AN ABUSER IS NEVER CHALLENGED HE WILL CONTINUE UNTIL THE DAY HE GETS A TASTE OF HIS OWN MEDICINE OR SUFFERS SOME CONSEQUENCES FOR BEING BAD.

B). Kick him out and move on ( Temporarily or to re-marry one day ).

Some women kick these Abusive Groundhog Day type men out of their homes either until they behave or forever. In not all cases but in some, kicking him out or getting him arrested for his behaviour can make a big difference. The reason is that these men are from another planet and are very scared of the Police. They also know the power women are given in this country. In Pakistan women have no rights, but thank Allah we live in this great country. If most women did not have government support in form of benefits these men would let their wife and children starve.Now because he has told you all your life you are worthless, useless and all those lies you may start to believe them. This is done just to oppress and control you. Once he knows you’re in control of whether he gets to be lucky enough to stay with you or sleep in the car.  he will have to think twice every time he does a “Kanjar Khana” massive unnecessary drama or plays mind games.    Basically its the stick and the carrot rule. Be a good boy and I’ll give you everything, treat me like dirt and I will not let you get away with it. I’m sure you want to fulfil his rights and be a good Muslim wife but see the situation in its real context. For example If there was a teacher and a very badly behaved and mischievous student. Would the teacher just ignore the student or do something about the student’s behaviour and attitude? If the teacher wants peace in the classroom for her sake and her student’s sake she may report the student or get him suspended for a few weeks or permanently expelled from the school. Would that be wrong or cruel? No it would be part of being a responsible teachers duties. You also need to be responsible for your life and your children’s future.  We know of a woman who lived 7 years of mental and physical torture until she got him arrested a few times and kicked him out.

He became homeless and then would beg her and she would let him back in fort the kids sake. This sad situation continued many times he would be kicked out but not change. Then after a few times he got the message and said I don’t want to sleep in my car or at someone’s house and the ‘best’’ shame of people seeing that. From that day on her life is not perfect but is liveable.

WARNING:  We are not suggesting you get your husband arrested but if your situation sees it fit and life is unbearable and no one is helping you (family and friends) then it may be a workable solution. It has worked for some women. BASICALLY UNTIL YOU GIVE HIM A WAKE UP CALL YOU WILL NOT SEE ANY CHANGE. IF AN ABUSER IS NEVER

CHALLENGED HE WILL CONTINUE UNTIL THE DAY HE GETS A TASTE OF HIS OWN MEDICINE OR SUFFERS SOME CONSEQUENCES FOR BEING BAD.   

C)     If getting re-married does not look realistic then decide if can you live on your own for the sake of peace of mind, no fights, no abuse and some freedom.

Being on your own is only really practical if you have a loving, caring family and friends or someone in your life that will help you get through life. For some people having a best friend is enough others its family support. This ‘evil’ culture punishes the woman for asking for a divorce due to an abusive marriage. Family support can diminish.  Not It is a hassle free life with no more abuse, no more fighting, no more mind games its very peaceful and stable. It’s DEFINITELY worth it if you can be strong and your children are close to you.

The reason we mention ”If getting re-married does not look realistic” is that naturally some women don’t want to or have the energy and enthusiasm left after all they have been through. But time heals. It is without doubt the best healer. You never know if the animal chances a little bit enough just to live with because he is bearable then just wait for that time. You can also go onto the internet nowadays on Muslim marriage websites like www.findmeamuslim.com and www.singlemuslim.com and find someone born and bred in the same country as you with the same mentality as you. What’s the harm in trying? You never know unless you try. Its free for women to use these websites.   

D)     Have Sabar and Shukr in ALL SITUATIONS but don’t be A PUNCH BAG. ( Patience and Gratefulness ).

This is a 100% proven fact that anyone who has Sabar ( Patience )  in a marriage will get through ANY marriage. This is Allah reward.  BUT It is VERY IMPORTANT to understand that this does NOT mean you take abuse like a punch bag and think it is a very Islamic thing you are doing. Our parents and this culture have taught us that ‘ Beti Doli Mein Jati Hai , Aur Kafan Me Us ke Laash Waapis Aiy Gee” meaning when our daughter gets married she will leave her parents house and NEVER return unless she dies. This is another way of saying the husband can beat her, abuse her, treat her worse than dirt and it’s perfectly acceptable. The girl has to be patient. This is WRONG. Yes you have to be patient but so does he. The exact same rules for both of you. Why is it one sided? Actually in Islam women have more rights than a man. A woman doesn’t have to work and if she does she can keep her money. A man MUST earn for his wife. He MUST be kind to her. She doesn’t have to move far away from her parents if she doesn’t want to etc.

The biggest way they fool you is by telling you their rights as a husband. For example if the husband is upset or you don’t sleep with him the angels will curse you all night long. Yes that’s from a Hadith but it is taken out of its correct context. The point is he has to be upset about a valid thing not just anything. He can’t be upset because you went to see a friend or your family. He can’t be upset because you ask him for your rights. There is no curse on you for asking for your rights or your children’s rights.  ABUSE IS HARAM AND YOU HAVE NO REASON TO ACCEPT IT.   

IF YOU DO DECIDE TO CONTINUE IN THIS MARRIAGE DO NOT EXPECT HIM TO CHANGE!!!!  YOU WILL HAVE TO CHANGE AND BECOME A MORE AWARE AND DEMANDING WOMAN. ONLY THEN CAN YOU EXPECT A BETTER LIFE. 



THE SLIMY SNAKE TRICK – CRAWLING HIS WAY BACK IN

This will happen in all the situations above. He will try contacting you , using his usual ways of getting you to soften up and let him back into your life and house. It’s just a house not a home until he becomes a proper husband!He will use your family and friends, cry and pretend that he is the victim and you are wrong for kicking him out. Don’t fall for it. Be strong and get what you want. A little bit of respect and dignity. Eventually and naturally you may soften up but don’t back down on your demands. Otherwise you are back to square one.

THE BLESSINGS OF ISTIKHARA PRAYER

Our advice is to use the amazing blessing Allah has given us called Istikhara Prayer / Salah / Namaz. Please see our Istikharah page. It tells you exactly how to perform Istikarah Salah. Istikhara gives you the one hundred percent right answer about what to do in any given situation. Please do it throughout your life. You will get closer to Allah who really looks after us and even more so when we ask him for help. Allah loves those who ask him for help and guidance.
 
Any queries and questions about Pakistani Asian marriage issues and problems 
please email us pakmarriages @yahoo.com