Arranged Marriages between British Muslims and Pakistanis

DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!

By Dr Farzana Khan Ph.D

“Oi! Raz where’s my digital camera” shouts Aisha to her brother. Aisha is frantically preparing her bags for this evenings 6.30pm flight to Islamabad. This is no ordinary flight, for this is the flight that will take a young woman to Pakistan, probably Mirpur, to get married, probably to her cousin, whom she has never seen let alone spoken to. What is most strange is why this family saw the need to get their daughter married from Pakistan when they live in a country with a huge Pakistani and Muslim community. Sorry to mention the Muslim community bit, for it is completely forbidden for any Pakistani to marry outside of your village 6000 miles away, let alone a non-Pakistani Muslim. Does any of this seem a bit weird? It shouldn’t because this is happening everyday in Britain and will continue to unless we wake up and put a stop to it.

WHATS WRONG WITH MARRYING FROM PAKISTAN?

The first reaction from some of you will be what is wrong with marrying from Pakistan when it has been going on for decades. You may also ask what prompted me to setup this website and write this article. I have just recently completely a research study into British Pakistani’s marrying from Pakistan. The findings of the survey were so shocking that I had no alternative but to act. All that I have described are my personal experiences having married from Pakistan. My marriage was a living hell and all down to my husband. I, as a doctor, had a very liberal upbringing. I gained my doctorate from London. I always assumed that being British I would marry from Britain. Just like your father, my father is hugely patriotic and bought me round to the idea of marrying my cousin, (Chacha’s son) in Karachi. Before my father put the idea in my head, I would never have contemplated marrying from my parent’s home country. Please note that I wrote ‘my parents home country’ because just incase it has slipped our attention, Pakistan is our PARENTS home country and NOT ours. We are actually not British Pakistani’s but British citizens of Pakistani origin. There is a HUGE difference. The latter explains why we have no similarities to a person born in Pakistan hence having nothing in common with our Pakistani partners. I don’t understand why this fact is so difficulty for us to grasp. We are British Muslims so obviously we have a completely different mindset. We find ‘Fawlty Towers’ and ‘Only Fools and Horses’ funny whereas they find Omar Sharif and ridiculous Stage Shows hilarious. Just stop and think about what we have in common with that society. We all know how deceptive they can be, how two-faced they are, how they lie and cheat us when we visit Pakistan. The best way to judge them is not to see how they treat you but to see how they treat their fellow Pakistani’s. We know the answer to that, they treat everyone like dirt. Their servants(naukar), the poor, people not as wealthy as them and the under-privileged being the best examples.

PAKISTAN AS A NATION

The astonishing thing about us British Pakistani’s is that we all have relatives in Pakistan who have conned us in some way or other. Brother doesn’t talk to brother, people there ‘go out of their way’ to destroy someone’s life, women are molested at the very first opportunity, not a single drop of milk sold from one end of the country to other is pure milk yet I am asked why am I judging them? Maybe you know an uncle who has taken over land or a house which your father rightfully owns. Maybe a relative who has stolen from you or has not passed on money you have transferred across BUT when it comes to marriage with a little persuasion we are totally convinced that we have found Mr Right in the deepest jungles of Africa, I know it’s Pakistan we are talking about here but I prefer the analogy because it seems to have passed us by. Pakistan is no different to any ‘Banana Republic’. I like to see it as the Africa of Asia. Where almost every Asian country has progressed quite well Pakistan has stood still and had little or no development due to over 60 years of selfish inhumane leaders and people looting the nations coffers to inflate their bank balances.

MY EXPERIENCES

I would like you to treat this not as only as a warning but as a reminder of the devastating effect that cultural obsession can have on individual’s lives. The reason for setting up this website is plain and simple to serve, warn and educate you into understanding why you should NEVER EVER marry from Pakistan. You should never even think about it let alone actually do it. Just stop and think for a minute, would a Chinese person marry someone from Russia. Highly unlikely. They would have nothing in common. They speak different languages. They cannot not associate with each others upbringing, habits, sense of humour etc. I speak from first hand experience.

DR FARZANA YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS!

If you do make the mistake of marrying one of them then you have to spend your entire life dealing with a mentally unstable individual who does not have the slightest bit of respect for you as a woman, let alone a wife. You see, in Pakistan a man in brought up to NEVER treat his wife with more respect than a stray dog. There is a common saying in Pakistan that a woman does not even compare to the dirt on the shoes of a man. I am sure many British Muslims will be taken aback by my comments because they have always known their relatives back home to be extremely friendly and courteous towards them. Well this might come as a complete shock to you but those relatives couldn’t care less about you, it is only your nationality and passport which they are showing respect towards. To prove what I mean, have you ever noticed how they treat their fellow Pakistani’s. Exactly, they treat them like dirt and that’s how they would treat you if you were not a westerner. Have you notice when ever you have been kind to a poor person, a servant or beggar they will condemn it, stop you and prevent you! You see, they only see you as a vehicle to get to the west or some financial gain and nothing else, which is their single most important goal in life. And there’s you thinking Pakistani’s are all very religious, honest and simple folk. I learnt this all the hard way. I married one of them.

US AND THEM!

Let me explain some of the simple facts about our lives in the west. We are first completely civilised due to the western education we went through. We are accustomed to the western culture and habits which are very simple, you tell it the way it is, we are up front and frank. No mind games, conniving (chalaaki) and we use 3 magic words frequently which you will NEVER hear from your partners mouth EVER and they are Thank You, Please and Sorry.

I’M SORRY MADAM BUT YOU HAVE EXCESS LUGGAGE!

Ring a Bell anyone? Yes, your off to your sister-in-laws wedding in Pakistan. You are allowed 23kg per ticket and you have taken to the airport 123kg per ticket. Fun isn’t it repacking your bags in public! Blankets, CD player, Shoes, Watches not to mention the all essential large tub of Vaseline!Your paying for everything, you’ve been shopping for months and you manage to just about get everything to the village. And guess what? You don’t even get a thanks. Oh No, thanks would be impossible instead you get a ”Oh, those trousers could have been in a different colour, I didn’t need any of these things, the suits are last seasons…….”.

'CHACHAY KA BETA' or 'SUKEE PHUPPI NA PUTAR'

A BBC report found that British Pakistanis,SHOCKINGLY 55% of whom marry a first cousin, are 13 times more likely than the general population to produce children with genetic disorders, and that one in ten children of cousin marriages either dies in infancy or develops a serious disability. Thus Pakistani-Britons, who account for some 3% of all births in the UK, produce "just under a third" of all British children with genetic illnesses. A study published in 1988 in the Journal of Medical Genetics found that the rate of consanguineous marriage was 55% and rising. Though this figure is still lower than the figure of 60% back in Pakistan. Where as, around the world, the figure is less than 29%.

WHY DO WE DO IT??

The following are the main factors for which we end up marrying from Pakistan;

1) PARENTS

Our parents are the No.1 reason we willingly choose a partner from Pakistan. This is true in around 99% of cases. There is the extremely rare case where some choose to marry from Pakistan on their own free will and that’s normal because they have been deceived by someone’s fake charm. Our parents have mentally cultured us to have a deep respect for Pakistan. It is very often their brothers or sisters children. Please do not get me wrong here, I am sure that our parents love us and think they are doing the best for us by arranging a marriage for us back home. Sometimes they are so set on the idea that they can force us to marry from Pakistan (see section on forced marriages) After all what is it that makes our parents do what they do. What makes them resort to often blackmailing us, threatening to disown us and various other tactics to bribe us into saying that devastating YES. Some of our parents have this phenomenal understanding that they feel it is their duty to marry all their children within their close family in Pakistan. They think that they are helping their brother or sister’s family by bringing over one of their children so that he will earn for them and better there standard of living, something which our parents feel is there duty (Fardh). What I say to this is that if they wish to help their beloved nephews and nieces then they should get them to Britain via another route and not by sentencing their daughters to a life sentence of misery. Often it is considered it a sin to marry outside the village. The ‘slightly minor issue’ of their children having NOTHING WHATSOEVER in common with their future life partner does not cross their minds for a second. Not to mention physical, mental ,educational, ideological differences. The patriotic feelings are too strong for this to cross our parents’ minds in most cases. The economic migrant (your new husband) comes over to earn his pounds and to rape you of all your emotions, energy, love, dedication, sincerity, hopes and dreams. And what do you get in return. Thank you?, hmmmm…… sorry you will NEVER HEAR those words. You will ALWAYS get a "YOU HAVE DESTROYED MY LIFE". (Yes YOU! The one who has sacrificed their whole life for this person).You will also get payback with “I was better off in Pakistan.”“You deserve to go to Hell.” “You’ve done absolutely nothing for me.”“You are ungrateful to me.”

2) BUT I HAVE MET MY FIANCÉ, HE IS WONDERFUL PERSON

I don’t know how to break this to you but he is just acting. What you do not understand is that if he is your cousin, he has planned it since he was a child. He knew when you were in primary school that his parents would succeed in getting your Rishta. He almost had a gaurantee that he would get married to you because so many have succeeded in the past. So there is no love there for you, there is religous obligation, there is no compatibilty with you and there are certainly no marriage vows to uphold.

There is only a one-way benefit and that is for the man to get to Britian. It is as simple as that. ALL the girls who had arranged marriages did not think for a second that there future husband and in-laws would ever treat them unjustly. They all had the same experience when they went over to Pakistan to get married. Their future in-laws were extremely friendly with them before and after marriage/nikah. This includes the usual trips to the town centre for ice-cream, paan etc, trips to best clothes shops in town, and of course, meals in the top restaurants.

My research has shown that the man will do one of two things, he will either abuse you, mentally and physically, all your life or leave you once he gets, what to him is the most valuable asset in the world, the Red British Passport. Surprisingly very few women, despite withstanding terrible abuse, could actually leave their partners. When asked why the women took this abuse for years, in most cases, they gave similar replies like:

1) I am sure he will change

2) I am just living for my children (some said that they would have left their partners if they had no children)

3) It would upset my parents too much

4) It would be disrespectful to leave, what would my family members say

5) Who will marry me if I am divorced? What future will I have?

**I would like to offer my sisters (and brothers too) help and guidance to get them through or preferably out of this hell they are living. Please contact me at pakmarriages@yahoo.com for help. Don't be hesitant, its a matter of your life and your childrens, if you have any. We are also planning to setup a helpline where you can have a one-to-one chat.**

3) THEY CAN’T ALL BE BAD!

The answer is a question: How many good ones have you met who have come over here? When you go over there, what do you see beneath their fake smiles and their sucking up to you because you are from Britain? I am not saying that there are no decent people in Pakistan; it’s just that I have yet to come across one. I have yet to hear from just ONE woman who has married a Pakistani who is happy in her marriage and is not living in a state of mental or physical torture or both. The ones that claim to be happy are either in denial ,have no family and friends support to stand up to the oppression or are suffering for their children’s sake. In a recent survey carried out in Luton, Bedfordshire in which 98 British Girls who were married to Pakistani men, were interviewed (in confidentiality), concluded that all 98 mentioned the exact same or very similar traits and problems with their partners. There are thousands of examples of broken marriages where their Pakistani partner has made life so unbearable that divorce has been the only resort. Amazingly, there are some women who marry again from Pakistan following one failed marriage only to suffer the same fate all over. It can only be the strong sense of nationalism we inherit from our parents.

4) AT LEAST I AM MARRYING FROM MY OWN NATION
You couldn’t be more wrong. Just a little reminder that the country you were born and brought up in is your country. The mind boggles as to why anyone would leave his or her own country and travel thousands of miles to find a life partner, after all Chinese marry Chinese and Russians marry Russians. We have built up this mindset that it is perfectly normal to marry someone from a COMPLETELY different culture, completely different upbringing, completely different mentality, completely different education and most importantly personality wise have NOTHING whatsoever in common with. You don’t speak the same language for God’s sake. You cant even crack a joke or read a single line in English that he can appreciate sorry not sentence I meant word!

THE FACTS SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES

An overwhelming number of marriages between Pakistani nationals and UK spouses took place to obtain foreign nationality.A survey on forced marriages in Pakistan found that 96.6 per cent of marriages took place mainly to attain foreign nationality or a "helping hand abroad" whilst only 3.4 per cent of children were consulted before their marriage.The survey which was launched in Islamabad by Struggle for Change (SACH) in collaboration with the British High Commission, showed that the main areas where forced marriaged were widely reported where Mirpur, Bhimber and Kotli.The study also revealed that majority of such marriages take place within family or 'baradari' with only 11 per cent marriages taking place outside the family. Only 19.9 per cent respondents strongly agreed that parents had the right to decide their children's future.Majority of respondents said they thought forced marriage was against Islamic teachings whereas 54.1 strongly agreed that both girls and boys should be given chance to marry freely.The aim of the survey was to plan an intervention strategy and raise awareness in areas where forced marriages are widely reported. "The key to preventing forced marriage is educating everyone involved in the practice," said Khalida Saleemi, executive director of SACH.